Building resilience in children and young people:

What is resilience?

Resilience can be described as the way in which we handle life’s challenges, setbacks and difficulties. Resilience can be linked to mental health with those who have higher resilience experiencing lower stress levels which in turn leads to lower instances of anxiety and depression (1).

We all have different abilities to deal with challenging situations. Resilience is fluid- it can change at different points in our life and in response to different challenges. It isn’t the case that resilience helps us experience fewer negative emotions, rather that having good levels of resilience helps us respond to these negative feelings.

How to improve resilience in children and young people, the catch it-check it-change it process:

The good news is that resilience can be cultivated, especially in children and young people.

Reframing negative thoughts is one way to improve your child or young persons resilience. It can be easy to get caught in a cycle of negative thinking and catastrophizing events (that is imagining the worst possible outcome) or black and white thinking where we see a situation or person as all good or all bad. It’s completely natural to have negative thoughts, it doesn’t make you bad person!

We can reframe negative thoughts using the catch it-check it and change it process. Firstly, catch negative thoughts as they occur. Realising when a negative thought is occurring and reflecting on this is a useful first step. Next, we can check our thoughts- challenging them by asking ourselves if we have evidence that the worst possible outcome will occur, finally we can change our thoughts by swapping our negative thoughts to something neutral or more positive. By sitting with your child and exploring their negative thoughts with them, you are building resilience and creating a safe space for your child to express themselves.

Here is an example of thought reframing using the catch it-check it-change it process:

Sam argues with her best friend Victoria at school and they spend the rest of the day not talking to each-other.

Sam worries about her friendship with Victoria thinking “Victoria will never talk to me again, I’ll never have any good friends”.

Sam can check her thoughts by asking the following questions:

              “Is there any evidence that Victoria will never talk to me again?”

              “Could there be an alternative outcome like Victoria and I making up after our argument?”

              “What would I say to a friend who was in the same situation as me?”

Finally, Sam can challenge her negative thoughts by changing them into a neutral or more positive thought:

“I know Victoria and I have argued before but we always make up and start talking again. I have other friends like Jane and Emily who invited me to the park.”

What if my child can’t always reframe their negative thoughts?

That’s okay! It’s not always possible to reframe thoughts into something neutral or positive and it’s worth remembering that there aren’t any correct or incorrect answers in the process.

Reframing thoughts helps your child to think flexibly and this can allow your child to approach difficult thoughts differently, break negative thought spirals and provide new ways to see a situation (and therefore open up new ways of tackling problems).

Tips to remember:

It is important for us to know that our thoughts and feelings are valid, in children this can look like saying: “I understand you are sad that you fought with your friend, I know I feel sad when I fight with my friends.”

Children tend to be more emotion and feelings driven than adults, by reframing we can help them process their difficult emotions and see situations in a new (and sometimes more logical) light.

Be patient! It’s very tempting as a parent to want to rescue our children and solve their problems for them (trust me, I know). However, allowing your child space to work through their emotions at their own pace creates a sense of safety for them (and the problem solving can come later).

Would you like to see more techniques to help your child build resilience? Let me know!

References:

Gloria, C. T., and Steinhardt, M. A. (2016) Relationships Among Positive Emotions, Coping, Resilience and Mental Health. Stress Health, 32: 145–156. doi: 10.1002/smi.2589.